Manipulation
by celtickat
Summary: Warning Signs from Abby's POV.  You don't need to have read Warning Signs to read this, if you are reading this without having read Warning Signs and it doesn't make sense, please please please let me know.
1. Chapter 1

MANIPULATION

CHAPTER 1

A/N – I know it's taken a lot longer than expected to post this, I had written it all then binned it because it was just plain awful! I'd really appreciate reviews, from both those that have read and those that haven't…

_6 months since I've seen any of them outside work. 6 months, 2 weeks and 4 days to be precise and not one of them has questioned it. Curtis was right, I realise that now, he has been right all along, I can't believe it's taken me this long to accept it. _

_8 months he's been telling me that they don't really care, time and time again I've told him he's wrong but he's been proved right every time, this time though, this time I was sure that they would insist, that Gibbs at least would demand answers but Curtis is right, none of them care, I bet none of them even notice that I'm not there._

_I need to be sure, I need to know. _

Abby waited an agonising hour before walking to the bar the team were meeting in. She hesitated at the door before pushing inside, the place was crowded but it didn't take her long to spot Gibbs. As usual he was sitting in the midst of the group but not partaking in any of the animated conversations flowing around him.

_They don't need me around, they don't want me around, Curtis was right, the invitations were just them being polite. _

Abby couldn't breath, the walls were closing in, she needed to get air; she needed to get out. In a panic she fought her way onto the street, leaning against a wall she took several deep breaths before walking off in the direction of her apartment.

_I can't believe I was so wrong about Gibbs, I feel like an idiot, I actually thought he loved me._

Abby walked and walked, she needed the motion to stop the grief overwhelming her. As she walked the same thoughts kept rotating round and round.

_I've lost Gibbs._

_He was never yours to lose._

When she reached her apartment, Curtis was waiting for her, he saw in an instant what had happened, he caught her as she stumbled in and held her tightly as she cried against him.

"You were right, you've always been right, I'm so sorry I doubted you, I just wanted so much for it to be not true, for them to care, I wanted so much for them…for Gibbs to love me"

"Shhh, it's ok, you've got me, I love you and I'm not going anywhere"

Curtis restrained his feeling of jubilation, finally Abby was his, 100% his.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Abby walked into the Navy Yard, angry and bitter, it was the last place she wanted to be after last night.

_Just be civil and professional, it's not like they're going to be camped out in the lab anyway. _

She avoided the bull pen, taking a different route to the lab than normal. Once there she relaxed slightly, put on some music and started going through the endless stack of 'non-urgent' work she always had on her desk.

She was concentrating intently on a weird partial print that a friend out in San Diego had asked her to look at when she heard Gibbs say "Hey Abs"

She spun round with a happy "Hey" before she remembered that any affection he showed her was fake; only there so he could manipulate her into doing whatever he wanted. _Get a grip Sciuto, civil and professional, remember_

"I…I don't have anything on the go for your team"

_Why is he here, why? I can't do this_

"I know I just came to say hi. Missed you last night"

_He missed me? Is he serious? He can't be, it's just another one of his tricks, remember what Curtis said; but he looks so genuine, remember what Curtis said; but it's Gibbs, maybe Curtis was wrong after all, no, Curtis was right about the others, about everything else, he's right about this too, don't let what you want to be real cloud your judgement of what is actually real._

"Everything ok Abs?"

Abby felt like screaming, she held an image of the bar last night in her mind as she snapped "of course, why wouldn't it be?"

She felt unexpected tears well up in her eyes, part of her wanted to throw herself at him and beg him to tell her that Curtis was wrong, that he did love her but a bigger part of her knew that was impossible, he didn't know anything about Curtis and Curtis was right, he had to be, he had been right about everything else.

She turned back to her PC and started typing a meaningless e-mail, after a long minute, she risked a glance, Gibbs was gone. She let the tears fall, he had left, just like that, if he had cared, he wouldn't just have left.

Her heart shattered, she felt like she was drowning. She fumbled for her cell phone and called Curtis, she needed to hear his voice, needed to hear his reassurances. He was all she had left.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Abby tried to keep busy, but with no active cases, she was finding it hard to focus. Gibbs visit had unsettled her more than she cared to admit and she found herself calling Curtis frequently.

Gibbs kept coming back, Abby didn't want to talk to him; she _couldn't_ talk to him, she was relieved that every time he walked into the lab she was on the phone to Curtis, she was relived and hurt in equal measure when he didn't stick around. She refused to acknowledge the flash of pain every time she watched him walk out the lab, at Curtis' urging she nurtured the anger that came along with that pain.

By the end of the day Abby's nerves were shot, she was desperate to get home, to get back to the safety of Curtis, get away from the endless unannounced visits from Gibbs.

She drove home quickly, not paying her usual attention to the other cars around her.

She ran into her apartment and was met by Curtis, who like a perfect gentleman took her coat, handed her a large glass of wine. For the first time that day Abby relaxed. Curtis hovered around her, listening attentively to the details of Abby's day, regardless of the fact he had heard them as they happened, he dismissed her pain and cultivated her anger, reiterating everything he had said before, 'they don't care, they don't need you, they don't love you, all they do is use you, you're too good for them, they're jealous'.

The next few days Abby was swamped with evidence to process, and for this she was grateful, sure, she had to deal with at least one member of the team several times a day but they were too busy to do anything other drop off evidence or pick up the results.

The third day saw the entire team in the lab, listening to her go through the intricacies of some linked evidence; everyone was focused on what she was saying so she was totally unprepared when Gibbs said "When do we get to meet the new boyfriend Abs?"

_New boyfriend? What the hell is he talking about? Does he mean Curtis? How does he know about him? _

"I don't have a boyfriend, new or otherwise" Abby hissed.

"Looked pretty cosy to me"

_Looked pretty cosy? My god, he's been following me or spying on me! What the hell! Who does think he is? _

"You're spying on me now?" Abby wanted to scream but she forced herself to stay calm.

"No, I'm concerned and just happened to notice as I was passing by"

_Passing by? Passing by on the way to where? He's lying, he can't look me in the eye; he has been following me. I can't believe he would do that, I can't deal with this, I need to call Curtis._

"You just happened to be going past my apartment, just happened to look up at my window and just happened to see a guy there and then just happened to assume that he was my boyfriend?" Abby was starting to panic; she could feel her anger rising, like it was alive inside her.

"Hey, Abs! Calm down, this is us; we're just looking out for you"

_Tony too? Curtis told you they would try something like this, when they realised you had finally understood their games, they would try to make you think it was you that was wrong, that it was you playing mind games. I need to get rid of them before I lose it completely, I need to call Curtis._

"I have work to do, so if the only thing you all have to do is discuss my private life, then do it elsewhere"

As soon as the lab was empty, Abby locked the door and retreated to her inner office, where she called Curtis and listened to his soothing voice, telling her she had done the right thing, telling her she had to be on her guard against them, that now they knew she was onto them they would try to hurt her.

Abby left soon after that, she had to get home, she had to be with Curtis, just hearing his voice wasn't enough, she had to see him, she had to know what he thought was coming next and start to prepare herself for it.

Curtis didn't waste any time, he told her that now they knew about him, they would feed her lies, try to make her believe that he was the bad guy.

Abby listened to him, part of her was screaming that these were her friends, they wouldn't DO that, a bigger part of her accepted everything Curtis told her.

Hours later Abby relaxed, she was a step ahead now, she was prepared; she could cope with whatever lies they threw at her. Curtis would be there with her every step of the way.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

Curtis knew this was a tricky time; Gibbs was by far the most dangerous opponent he had ever faced but Abby was a prize that was worth fighting for and he intended to use every weapon he had in his arsenal.

He was confident the others had been neutralised, Gibbs was the only one she had yet to sever all emotional ties to, he knew a direct attack on the man wouldn't benefit his cause so he was content to wait, he knew Gibbs would do something to try and "save" Abby, all Curtis had to do was wait and pounce when the time was right.

"Don't jeopardise your job, they're not worth it, remember everything should be on your terms, don't jump to their demands"

"Curtis, I do work for them, I have to jump to their demands"

"No, you work _with_ them, and they need you more than you need them. Make them appreciate you, just be careful, don't give them anything they can use against you"

"Like what?" Abby was trying to follow Curtis's train of thought but the wine he kept topping up her glass with was making her sleepy and confused.

"I don't know, Gibbs is up to something, we don't know what or when or who he'll have roped in. Be on your guard with everyone; don't let them question your ability to do your job"

Over the next few weeks Abby felt Gibbs watching her, every time she turned around he seemed to be there, watching, waiting. Every time she spotted him she felt an inexplicable surge of hope but not understanding where it came from, she squashed it and focused on what Curtis had told her.

_Be on your guard, they're up to something, something that could damage you, damage your reputation or cost you your job. _

_You can't trust anyone, he could have gotten anyone to do anything, oh God, what if they plant something in my lab, or tamper with something I'm working on. I need to call Curtis._

Curtis was mildly irked that he hadn't thought of this scenario, but the fact that Abby had thought of it herself made it all the stronger in her mind. He took delight in the way Abby was now alienating herself and encouraged her to act on those suspicions.

Abby started locking her lab doors, e-mailing people with results and generally discouraging visits to her lab. Anytime someone did have to go in, Abby was very formal, ignored all attempts at small talk and practically pushed them out the door as soon they had delivered or collected what they had come for.

Gradually, it became known round the office that Abby's lab was no longer a place where random visits were welcome, no-one understood what was happening and everyone looked to Gibbs and his team to make it right.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Curtis was worried, Abby had mentioned a name in passing, and now he was worried.

Tobias Fornell.

One mention of that name and suddenly things didn't seem quite so sewn up.

Tobias Fornell.

If he had known earlier that Abby knew Fornell, would he still be here?

Tobias Fornell.

Curtis kept tabs on all his previous 'friends', all of them except one had gone exactly to plan and the one that didn't was down to one man.

Tobias Fornell.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Curtis was as close to panic as he had ever been, not only did Fornell know Abby, he was friends with Gibbs.

He forced himself to clam down, there was no reason to suspect that the two men would compare stories, and even if they did, that they would find a link, he was careful, he was smarter than them, he was smarter than _everyone_.

Fornell had rescued Sara, against all odds he had won, he would not win this time, Abby was _his_ and he would stop at nothing to keep it that way.

Curtis knew he couldn't let Abby know he was wary of Fornell; he had to forget him and focus on Gibbs, he was the key, without Gibbs, Fornell would be toothless.

Curtis hated not being able to anticipate the next move, he wanted to prepare Abby but he couldn't, not without telling her about Sara, not without letting on how much he feared Fornell's involvement.

He settled for general pressure, telling Abby over and over how much she meant to him and how much he needed her, over and over he told her how he feared being separated from her, how he feared that she would choose Gibbs over him and leave him.

His relentless need for reassurance had the desired effect, within days Abby was pampering him without being prompted, assuring him that nothing anyone said would tear them apart, nothing would make her leave him.

Abby believed that anything Gibbs told her would be a lie, his only motivation to stop her being happy.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

Abby was in her lab going over the scant evidence from the latest crime scene for the third time. She had stopped locking the lab doors when she was inside so she didn't immediately see Gibbs when he came in.

When she did notice him, she immediately tensed up and gave him a wary look.

"Abby?"

Abby looked at him without speaking, whatever he wanted to say, he could say it without any help or encouragement from her.

"I need you to come down to the crime scene"

Abby hesitated, this was both unexpected and unusual; exactly the kind of thing Curtis had warned her about. Her senses on alert she said

"Why? I don't do crime scenes, that's what your team is for"

She caught Gibbs eye and held his gaze.

"The forensics on this one are sparse and I'd appreciate your help in checking we haven't missed anything"

Gibbs had maintained eye contact and Abby could detect no signs of falsehood. She agreed to go with a sigh of annoyance.

"Meet me out front, I just need to call ahead and tell them we're coming"

As Gibbs left the lab, Abby stared after him suspiciously, since when did Gibbs explain what he was doing? She let the thought fester as she went through her convoluted routine of making her lab 'safe', a complex arrangement of things that no-one coming into the lab could avoid and Abby would spot instantly if they were moved and therefore her sanctuary violated.

On the drive to the crime scene Abby avoided looking anywhere other than out of the side window, she was as tense as a coiled spring, the atmosphere in the car was heavy, Gibbs was clearly as uncomfortable as she was and that made Abby more suspicious, Gibbs didn't do uncomfortable, in the same way that he didn't do explanations. Things didn't add up, she was sure he hadn't lied to her, she would have known, but something was definitely not right.

Abby jumped out of the car almost before it stopped moving, she couldn't stand another second of the oppressive silence, then she stopped, this didn't look anything like the crime scene photos she had examined earlier.

"Doesn't look much like the crime scene, why isn't it taped off?"

When Gibbs didn't answer Abby became more wary, a tiny part of her was aware something was going on and welcomed it, another small part believed this was related to the case, a much larger part though was screaming at her that this was a trap, a setup, the exact thing Curtis had warned her about, she wanted to run but Gibbs didn't give her the chance, he ushered her resolutely through the door.

Abby's heart skipped a beat then started hammering painfully against her chest when she saw Fornell, her fight or flight instincts were kicking in, her blood pressure so high she could hear nothing over the roaring in her ears. She struggled against her mounting panic, trying desperately to appear calm and in control on the chance, however diminishing, that this was work related.

"I didn't realise the FBI had an interest in this case" she managed to say.

The way Fornell ignored her put her even more off balance, Fornell ignoring her was as unusual as Gibbs explaining things.

"Through here" Fornell said as he opened another door. Abby, feeling like she was walking to the executioners block; walked through.

Her eyes immediately went to the pathetic drowned rat of a girl opposite her, she turned round, looking for either Gibbs or Fornell to give her an explanation but neither was to be seen.

"Hi, my name is Sara and you and I need to talk"

_What the fuck? Who the hell is this? What is going on here? I need to get out of here; I need to talk to Curtis._

Abby couldn't breathe, it took her a few minutes to be able to speak, and when she did it was aggressive, flight was out of the question; she had to fight. "What is this?" she demanded.

"I want to talk to you about this man and what's he doing to you"

Abby barely glanced at the photo Sara was holding, she knew who it would show.

"He's not doing anything to me that would be any of your business" Abby crossed her arms to stop herself reaching out and tearing this girl apart.

"He destroyed my life and he'll do the same to you if you let him"

The roaring in Abby's ears became louder, her heart rate fast and furious; she wanted to scream, to flee, to lash out. It took every ounce of her will power but she took one deep breath after another till her vision cleared. She ignored what was in front of her.

_Everything this girl says is lies, lies designed to hurt me, to hurt Curtis, to destroy my happiness, she's part of the vendetta against me, I can't listen to her, I just have to focus on Curtis, I can get through this._

"He does things for you that you are perfectly capable of doing yourself. He takes all the small decisions out of your hands, telling you that you shouldn't have to be worrying about what to have for dinner or what movie to watch"

Abby was aware the girl was talking but she didn't hear a word of what she said, she was focusing on breathing, focusing on Curtis.

"He's told you that your friends are holding you back, using you to get themselves ahead. You've stopped seeing anyone socially but right now you think that's your decision. You don't any of your old activities, your choices in food, music, movies, _everything_ have changed at his suggestions"

Something in the girl's words made Abby lose focus, she had a very vivid flash back of bowling with the nuns, it was over in a second and she turned an icy glare on Sara.

"When he has you completely isolated he will start making you doubt your ability to do your job, when he has achieved that, he'll leave, just up and go without a word, leaving you with nothing and nobody"

Suddenly Abby was terrified, he blood turned to icy and she wanted to throw up.

"You have no idea what you are talking about" Abby tried to sound dismissive, but her voice didn't sound like her own.

"Yes, I do. The man you know as Curtis was in my life for 2 years and he did to me exactly what he's doing to you. If it wasn't for my Godfather I'd be dead by now or worse"

Abby stared at the girl, she knew without a doubt this girl was telling the truth, she couldn't move, she felt rooted to the stop, she had to say something, do something but before she could summon the strength the girl spoke again

"My Godfather never gave up on me, the same way Gibbs will never give up on you. Please, _please_ let us help you before it is too late"

The mention of Gibbs made the awful clarity and certainty of a moment ago vanish, Curtis had been right, Gibbs was trying to sabotage her, he was behind the whole thing. Rage flooded her veins, making her blood boil; before she knew what she was doing she had moved towards the girl and was shaking her, hard

"I might have known Gibbs was behind this, he can't stand to see someone else making me happy. Curtis is the best things that ever happened to me and I will not let you, Gibbs or anyone else take that away" Abby knew she was screaming but she had no desire to stop then she felt herself being lifted off her feet, pulled away from the girl. She fought like a crazed animal, trying to bit and scratch whoever had hold of her, she struggled and twisted until she was free, she spun to face her captor finding herself face to face with Gibbs who at that moment was her worst enemy.

"Curtis was right about you! You disgust me, I hate you" she could barely get the words out her rage making her inarticulate. She fled the room, the building, running as fast as she could, her anger and fear flooding her body with endorphins.

If anyone called out or came after her she neither heard nor saw them.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

Abby ran and ran till she couldn't run anymore, she ran to avoid thinking, to avoid feeling.

When she stopped she fought the urge to throw up, she wanted to go home, to lock the door and hide away from the world, be with Curtis and only Curtis but something stopped her. She looked around her and realised she had been running towards the Navy Yard, she took off again, walking this time, towards her sanctuary, her lab.

When she arrived she went directly to the lab, checking closely that nothing had been disturbed. Satisfied, she locked the doors and cranked up the music.

She was aware Gibbs had come down to the lab, she was also aware he had called her cell and her desk phone, tired to use the video link and had e-mailed her. She had ignored everything, she didn't want to see him or hear his voice, she hated him with a passion she didn't know she had in her.

Hours later she became aware of a persistent banging on the lab door, she risked a glance, prepared to crank the music even louder if it was Gibbs. It wasn't, it was the mail room clerk who was waving a package at her.

Sliding the file out of the envelope, she felt a chill sweep her body, it was an FBI file.

Filled with trepidation she opened the file and found herself staring at an old photo of Curtis.

Filled with an eerie calm she flicked through the file, noting the photos more than anything.

When she got to the end she flipped back to the start and read the file carefully, she had to know what she, what they, were up against.

As she read the file for a third time, the calm that had sustained her first two perusals, was replaced page by page, by a mindless rage, by the time she got to the end, the rage was all consuming.

An unbearable compulsion to smash something came over her and she didn't even try to resist, she grabbed the first breakable thing she could put her hand on, which happened to be a box of test tubes, one by one she hurled them across the room, the sound of them shattering gave her a grim satisfaction.

Everything she could throw was fair game, Caf Pow cups, both full and empty joined the test tubes, various mugs and containers followed, a flat screen monitor was added to the carnage when she spotted someone out the corner of her eye, she turned and stared at Tony with a wild eyed look.

_He knows, he knows about the file, he's part of this, of course he is!_

Abby grabbed the file and unlocked the doors, going after Tony as if her life depended on it.

Abby marched up to Gibbs, aware in a detached way that the entire floor had fallen silent, the rage inside her dulled somewhat by the destruction of her lab flared up again as she glared at the man she had foolishly believed loved her.

She threw the file at him, wanting to throw a punch but something stopped her, knowing that would be a step too far.

"This is nothing but malicious lies, I hate you all" In the same detached way she was aware she was screeching, that she sounded and probably looked like a woman possessed, but she didn't care.

The look in Gibbs eyes wasn't what she expected, she couldn't cope with it; she couldn't even put a name to it, compassion? Hurt? She had to get out of there, she turned and fled.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

Abby arrived at her apartment in a state of panic; it took Curtis hours to calm her down enough to make sense of what she was saying.

Her story filled him with dread, he had no idea such a file existed, it was all he could do not to panic and run immediately.

He repeated over and over that he didn't know Sara and that the file was fiction. He ranted, he yelled, he wept, he turned the tables so that instead of him comforting Abby, she was the one calming and comforting him. Abby bought his performance wholesale, every time he denied the truth of the file, she supported his claims, agreed with him; closed her mind and her heart to everything and everyone she had once held dear.

Curtis spent days going on about the file, he only ever blamed one person for the file and the lies it contained, Gibbs. He spoke eloquently about how Gibbs was trying to play her, to set her up. He got angry and upset when he talked about how Gibbs had betrayed her trust, how he had twisted everything she had ever told him, how he had abused everything they had shared.

His persistence paid off, Abby's eyes would narrow every time she heard Gibbs name, her shoulders would tighten just a fraction, by these tiny signs Curtis knew he was winning, Abby would never trust Gibbs again, more than that she would blame him for the downturn her life was about to take.

Gradually Abby became both paranoid and agoraphobic; she flinched every time she heard footsteps outside her apartment door, every time a phone rang, every time a car door slammed. After a few late night walks with Curtis, she refused to leave the apartment and grew hysterical when Curtis suggested he went out alone. They ordered in everything from groceries to movies. Abby left Curtis to deal with the deliveries, cowering in the bedroom until the door was firmly locked, bolted and chained.

The days merged into one, she had no appreciation of dates or time, she refused to turn on the TV in case Gibbs had leaked the fictitious file to the media, she couldn't turn on her laptop for fear anyone at NCIS had tried to contact her, cell phones were turned off and landlines unplugged.

Curtis smiled when he saw her; she was 100% dependent on him for everything. He decided it was time to put the final stage of his plan into action.

Late one night he stood up without warning and put on his jacket.

"I need to go out for a bit"

"NO! Curtis, please, don't leave me here"

"Abby, I have to, I don't want to, believe me I don't, but I have to, I won't be long, I promise"

He gently shook Abby from him and quickly left the apartment. He was grinning as he walked down the road; he intended only to be gone for half an hour, just long enough for Abby to start panicking. Next time he left it would be for longer, then longer again, he figured he would be out of DC within a few weeks and he took perverse delight in the multiple lives he managed to de-rail in little more than a year.

As he walked along he pushed Abby from his mind and mentally flipped through his list of potential friends, assessing each one for difficulty, he wanted someone easier than Abby and somewhere far away from DC, Fornell was becoming an issue.

He didn't notice the car following him through the streets, it didn't register that the car accelerated as he prepared to cross the street, even as he crunched into the car windscreen it never crossed his mind that one of his victims had friends that would literally kill to protect them.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

Abby was nervous from the minute Cutis walked out the door, minute by minute the nervousness grew and morphed into panic, she wept, she shook, she chewed her nails, she alternated between cowering in the kitchen and hovering next to the front door.

As the minutes Curtis was gone stretched into hours, the panic subsided into a gnawing worry, she was certain something awful had happened, She wanted to go out to look for him, but she was too afraid to open the apartment door.

Weak daylight started to filter through the drawn curtains. Abby woke up from the exhausted daze she had fallen into a few hours before, a quick check of the apartment revealed Curtis had not returned. Suddenly she knew that Curtis was not coming back and that Gibbs was behind the disappearance.

White hot anger flashed through her filling her with purpose and strength, she wrenched open the apartment door and ran out of the building.

She slowed her pace as she realised she had no destination in mind, or a plan for what she would do and say when she got there. Passing a coffee shop she overheard a young couple talking about a hit and run the night before. She stared at them in shock, desperate to ask for more details but terrified to initiate any contact.

She walked back home, slowly, knowing she had to find out for certain what her gut was already telling her, Curtis was dead.

Once home, she connected her laptop and logged on, she found multiple references to the hit and run but not one site had either a name or a description.

Abby called both the hospital and the police, trying to find some detail that would confirm her fears; she never once considered the hit and run had nothing to do with Curtis.

Eventually, by telling one young LEO she needed a copy of the police report to complete the forensic file, she got what she was looking for.

Suddenly she couldn't bear to be in the apartment and she took off as if her life depended on it, once outside, she found she could breathe again. For hours she wandered the city in a daze, staying as far away from people as she could, on some level she knew she was being paranoid but she couldn't help think that every single person was working for Gibbs, spying on her and reporting back. When this became too much she reluctantly went back home, checking several times the door was properly locked.

She needed something to dull the pain that consumed her and she reached for a bottle of bourbon, as she cracked it open the smell reminded her of Gibbs and made her violently sick. She put the cap back on the bottle and lifted a bottle of vodka instead. It didn't take long for the alcohol to have the desired effect and she sank into a welcome oblivion.

Abby didn't know how long she spent in her alcohol induced stupor, she was aware that it was evening and that she was thinking clearly. No way was this a hit and run, it was murder and Gibbs was behind it. She knew this and she wouldn't stop until she had proof.

Abby knew she had to move quickly, Gibbs was a master at covering his tracks and he would have help, she was on her own but her hatred and loathing of her former friends would be enough, she resolved not to rest until she had made them all, but Gibbs especially, pay for what they had done.

She had to confront him, now, before she lost her nerve. She got into her car, rehearsing what she would say all the way to Gibbs place.

She didn't knock, she didn't feel he deserved that courtesy, but both the front and the back doors were locked tight. She was banging on the door and yelling to be let in when one of Gibbs neighbours appeared and told her that Gibbs had left about an hour before.

Assuming he had been called about a case, Abby drove to the Navy Yard but none of the team's cars were there. Lost for an alternative Abby drove aimlessly and found herself in Ziva's neighbourhood, her car wasn't in its usual spot. Driving to Tony's took less that 10 mins, his car was also missing.

Her eyes narrowing in suspicion Abby started to drive again.

_They are all together, laughing, joking and congratulating themselves on killing Curtis and leaving me with no-one. If they think I'm going to running back to them, they're insane, I will make them pay for this, I hate them all._

Driving through Georgetown, she spotted Gibbs car first, Ziva and Tony parked next to each other a few meters down the street. Ducky's! They were all at Ducky's.

She felt the white hot anger flare up in her again and again she used it to override her fear and walk into the building.

The front door was unlocked; as she pushed it open she could hear voices and laughter. For a split second an overwhelming sadness threatened to de-rail her plans but she fought against it, seizing the anger and holding that at the forefront of her mind she burst into the dining room.

The table had fallen silent at her entrance "you killed him" she accused.

"Abby?" Gibbs stood up, his arms outstretched.

_He wants to hug me? After what he's done, he wants to HUG me?_

She stepped back, away from him "DON'T. TOUCH. ME."

Abby noted the unexpected expression on Gibbs face, he didn't look guilty, she paused momentarily before turning away from him, accusing the group once again.

She couldn't understand it; none of them looked like they knew what she talking about, until her eyes met Ziva's.

_Ziva? My god, how many people has Gibbs poisoned against me?_

Abby glared at Ziva as she said for the third time "you killed him"

"Abby…I…."

It was all the confirmation Abby needed. "Save it for the police" she backed out of the room, terrified to turn her back on the room. As soon as she felt the door she turned and fled.

Abby raced home as fast as she could, breaking speed limits, cutting up other drivers and running red lights. She needed the safety of her apartment, she needed a plan. Now that they knew that she knew, they would come after her, she knew it, it was just a matter of time.

Inside her apartment, Abby's strength drained away and she slumped onto the floor. Without really knowing what she was doing she picked up the faxed police report and stared at without seeing it.

Sometime later she was aware of someone standing in front of her, without looking up she said in an emotionless voice "The official line is that he was killed in a hit and run _accident_. A joy rider in a stolen car, no leads, no apprehension likely"

The person standing said nothing, Abby raised her head, meeting Ziva's eyes "It was you, you killed him" Abby's voice sounded weird even to her own ears.

"Yes, you are correct I did kill him. What he was doing to you, to our family, I could not allow that to continue"

_What Curtis was doing? It was them who had caused all the problems; did they really think they could switch the blame on to Curtis?_

"Jealousy, you killed him out of jealousy"

"Oh wake up Abby! How can you believe the lies he has told you about your friends? After everything you have bee through together, are you really so blinded that you cannot see what this is doing to them?"

Something in Ziva's voice, something in her words made Abby's mind flip, one after the other she was seeing flashes of images, Tony with the plague, Gibbs in his basement, the whole team after Kate's murder, the look on Gibbs face tonight, the nights spent together watching movies and hanging out, Gibbs kissing her, hugging her.

Before she could speak, Ziva continued "Every one of them has put their jobs on the line for you, everyone would die for you. Everyone feels responsible for the pain. This is tearing them apart"

The flashing images got faster and clearer, Tony watching as she destroyed her lab, Gibbs face when he took her to see Sara, Gibbs promising to protect her.

Abby got to her feet, wanting to get away from Ziva but Ziva was closer and she didn't have the energy to push past her.

"Curtis, what he was doing to you, was slowly killing Gibbs and there is _nothing_ I will not do to prevent that. There was a time you felt the same"

Abby struggled against the images in her mind, trying to find something to anchor herself on, he mind provided an image of Curtis, a flash of him telling her how she means nothing to Gibbs, how he just uses her, time after time, year after year.

"NO! I mean nothing to Gibbs"

The slap was unexpected and hard, Abby felt like the side of her face was on fire she stared at Ziva in shock "Gibbs loves you"

Abby stared in horror at Ziva, she could see the concern in her eyes, she suddenly recognised the look on Gibbs face tonight as being love.

_Curtis lied to me, they did love me. No, Curtis was right about so many things, he can't have been wrong about this. He was wrong, I can't believe I've hurt Gibbs like this, what have I done? You've done nothing wrong, it's all them, this is just another trick._

The conflict was too much for Abby's mind, it started to shut down, Abby slid down the wall, back to her position on the floor. She stopped being aware of her surroundings, stopped even being aware of her own body. She didn't feel the flinch as she cowered away from Ziva nor heard the whimper that escaped her constricted throat.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

A/N – the last chapter sapped all my writing strength, so although this one is short is has taken me forever to actually write it.

Abby was aware, peripherally, that other people were in the room. She didn't know who they were nor did she care.

She was aware, peripherally, that she was being lifted to her feet and led somewhere, she didn't know where she was or where she was going, nor did she care.

Locked in her own private cocoon, she wondered idly if the new people meant to harm her, she found that she didn't much care. Her life was over, she realised that in a dim and distant way, again; she couldn't bring herself to care.

She wanted to communicate, to get her new captors attention, to beg them to pass on a message, _tell Gibbs I'm sorry,_ but that required effort, a strength she no longer had.

She let the thought drift away, content to sit silent and unmoving, awaiting her fate.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

Abby gradually realised that the man in the room with her meant her no harm; she had a vague notion that she knew him but chasing that thought through to the conclusion of a name required a focus that was beyond her at present.

A sudden clear thought erupts in her mind, Curtis has hurt this person, _she_ has hurt this person and without knowing it she starts to whisper over and _what have I done?_

Abby's mind slides away from the acknowledgement of blame, seeking something singular to focus on, something other than this man she should, but doesn't know. She feels a consistent, ragged pain on hers arms and welcomes it, uses it to focus her skittering mind.

She is totally unaware she causing the pain herself.

Some undeterminable time later Abby becomes aware of a scent, a scent she associates with love and safety. She is sure this scent belongs to a person, but her mind refuses to supply either a name or a face.

As with the previous person, she feels a sense of loss, a sense that she has destroyed the safety and love she once knew and took for granted.

The guilt demon roared in her head, in response she dug her nails in deeper, gouging bright red marks down both her arms. She embraces the intense pain oblivious to the wailing that accompanies each deep scratch. The pain pulses in time to her own heartbeat, each pulse gives her a momentary outlet for the guilt trapped inside her.

She feels warm, calloused hands hold hers; they feel familiar in a calming way. The pain and guilt diminish with the touch of these hands, she feels almost safe.

_The hands, the smell, so maddeningly familiar, memories there but just out of reach, a name, a face, that's all I need to know if this feeling of safety is real or just another trick._

The hands became arms which wrapped around her, she felt at home in these arms, at peace. She wanted to stay wrapped up in them forever.

She felt her safety zone moving away and started to panic, terrified she automatically moved her hands to bring the intense pain back when she felt lips touch her forehead, a voice, as familiar as the scent and the hands came to her, she couldn't understand the words, they meant nothing to her, but the tone held a promise. She clung to that promise; it held the guilt demon away far better than the pain.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

_The man with the hands and the smell is back, why can't I remember who this is? I must know him, he clearly knows me. I wonder if he knows Gibbs? He's leaving the place we are, he wants me to go with him, at least I think he does, he's got hold of my hand. _

Abby went willingly, anything to stay close to that smell, those hands that promised so much.

In the car, he was driving and had to let go of her, that was ok, she could sit and watch him as he drove, she tried to remember, tried to force recognition but her mind refused to obey. She realised that she didn't even know her own name; she couldn't understand the words the people around her were saying. Her world had been reduced to emotions, pain and guilt from within and a promise of redemption from the man with the hands.

The house they took her too, Abby was peripherally aware of people other than Mr Hands, was as familiar to her as the smell of Mr Hands but yet again she couldn't formulate why this should be.

She liked the house, it smelled of Mr Hands, if felt _safe_.

He was with her constantly, when he left her it was never for more than a few minutes and every time he whispered meaningless words in that tone that promised he would come back.

In a very short time she grew to rely on his being there to keep her safe, while he was there it didn't matter that she could remember nothing, so when he suddenly left leaving someone else in his place, the guilt demon reared up again.

The man in his place sat with her, his presence made her uncomfortable at first, but his constant presence and continual babble soon made her relax, Mr Hands clearly trusted this man so she would too.

After a while Abby realised his babble was related to the movie he had put on, she realised she could understand his words!

This man reminded her of Tony; she smiled, as she remembered giving Tony a bunch of black roses to apologise for sending him to jail. Her smile faded as she reasoned that she, along with Curtis had hurt Tony in ways she could never repair.

_Curtis, the worst mistake of my life._

Abby tentatively probed her memory for something other than that one flash of Tony and the roses, but Curtis loomed large, she shied away, preferring to remember nothing.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

5 people with her all the time, mostly one at a time, occasionally a couple of them together, all of them tantalisingly familiar.

One of them was scared, she could feel the fear coming off him in waves but at least he talked to her, very little of what he said had any meaning but she listened closely, desperate for the smallest of clues that would trigger one of her frustratingly brief flashes of memory.

He kept saying 'Abby', she realised he was referring to her, Abby, that felt right, that felt like who she was.

Listening to the scared one ramble on about a game she flashed back to a memory of McGee in a chair in her lab hooked up to lie detector, setting off the device with the question about his name.

Something about the man beside her reminded her of Tim but she couldn't put her finger on what, she replayed the memory in her head and looked closely at the man who had lapsed into silence.

Every muscle in her body froze, of course this man reminded her of Tim, it WAS Tim. What had happened to make him this scared? He hadn't stuttered like this since the first few weeks of joining Gibbs team.

_I happened, oh God, what have I done to make him like this? How can I ever put it right?_

He mind started flipping at a dizzying rate.

_If this is Tim then the others, the others must be….yes, Tony, Ducky, Fornell, Gibbs, I'm in Gibbs house, it's him that's been staying with me night after night. Ziva's missing, why is Ziva not around? I have to think, I have to remember, I need to know what's happened to Ziva._

Then she remembered.

She felt sick as her mind leapfrogged from one thing to another, from meeting Curtis, to smashing her lab to Ziva telling her she had killed Curtis.

Her head spun, she couldn't understand, where was Ziva, had she been arrested? She had to find out, explain that it wasn't Ziva's fault. She could comprehend, after everything that had happened, everything that she had said to them, why were they being nice to her? Why wasn't she the one sitting in a jail cell?

She clenched her jaw to keep from screaming.

Gibbs was back, she could sense him in the room, she wanted to ask him what had happened but she couldn't move, couldn't speak; terror had paralysed her both mentally and physically.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

The paralysis faded, the terror did not.

Over the next few days Abby sorted out her thoughts and memories into before Curtis and after Curtis. She cried over what she had lost then reminded herself bitterly she hadn't lost it, she had willingly thrown it away.

She felt sickened by the things she had said and done; disgusted at the way she had treated her friends. She made her decision, there was only way to make this better. She had to get away from here to do it though; no way was she going to put Gibbs through a suicide in his own home.

She knew dozens of ways to end her life; she didn't yet know which one she would select when the time came, she just knew she had to get out and do it before she caused any more damage.

She had seen the wreckage that remained of her former friends, she wouldn't leave a note, they would know why she had done it. She was convinced they would be relieved when it was done, when it was over. Her only nagging doubt was Ziva, but she trusted Gibbs and his team to make sure she was ok.

Late Saturday night she was alone, the house in darkness, this was her chance.

She slipped out the bedroom door and quiet as a ghost glided down the stairs. She was reaching for the front door handle when Gibbs voice stopped her in her tracks "Don't even think about it"

Her hand dropped to her side "Let me go Gibbs" she whispered, it was the first time she had spoken, the first time she had acknowledged she knew who he was.

She expected him to agree, to understand she had to go, she had to do this to set them all free. She didn't expect him to be suddenly beside her, his hands on her shoulders and she in no way expected the words "That is never gonna happen Abby, NEVER" The vehemence behind the words made her question everything she thought she knew.

"I can't" she heard herself whisper. His eyes held hers like a magnet, she couldn't bear the pain she saw there but neither could she look away.

"None of this is your fault Abs" She heard the words and knew he believed them. She wanted them to be true but her mind provided images of a terrified McGee, a lifeless Tony, a broken Ziva and she knew that he was wrong.

"YES IT IS"

"I can't, I can't…" she couldn't find the words to say she couldn't carry on living when she had destroyed so much of what had made her, her. She couldn't think of a way to make him understand.

The guilt demon was back, stronger than ever, she didn't try to fight it, she embraced the walls of her internal prison, welcomed the blissful ignorance they brought.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

**A/N Ok, after over 20 re-writes here is the next chapter, please let me know what you think…..**

_I'm alone, I've been alone for hours, I wish he were here beside me but at the same time I'm glad he's not._

_I can't think properly, I can't remember anything clearly, just snatches and glimpses that just confuse me._

_I need to know, I need to understand but I'm afraid of the answers, I'm afraid of what I've done, of what I've become._

"Abby"

_Ziva? But she is in jail! Jail? Why would I think that? What is going on here? What is going on with my head?_

_She's sitting down, too close; I'm backed into the corner. Is this deliberate? I'm scared, why should I be scared? I don't understand._

"What Curtis did to you is not your fault, what I did is not your fault"

_Curtis? What did he do? I wish I could remember._

Suddenly the memories of Curtis broke through the barrier; Abby was bombarded by memory after memory of Curtis, sitting with her, talking with her, laughing. Then she remembered the police report and that she would never see him again.

She wasn't aware of the tremors taking over her body again.

"You cannot change what Curtis did to you; that is something you will learn to live with. You cannot change what I did, that is something I will live with. You cannot change what Gibbs, Tony, McGee, Ducky did not say or do and that is something that they will have to learn to live with. You are responsible for none of these things"

_Curtis did nothing but open my eyes to what was really going on around me, are you actually admitting that he was right all along and that you all did things to me shouldn't have? But she said 'did not do', I don't get that, they did things, they didn't not do things. I don't understand. I need to understand._

Abby focused on Ziva, she knew instinctively she was going to hear something unpleasant, but she knew she had to hear it, she had to understand.

"What you ARE responsible for is what is happening now. Gibbs is risking his job for you, lying to Vance, avoiding work. You do know that they take it in turns to have dentist appointments so someone will always be here with. They are giving up their lives for you and all you are doing is causing them more grief"

Briefly Abby's mind accepted what Ziva was saying as the truth, then conflicting memories crashed in and her mind shied away from the truth, leaning instead on the anger that the memories had aroused.

"They killed Curtis!"

"I killed Curtis"

_**She**____killed Curtis? On her own? Of course she could, she's a trained assassin after all, but on her own, no way, the others were involved, at the very least they knew._

_Until now I've never hated anyone, I've never felt the burning desire to cause someone as much pain as possible as I feel now. I can feel the hatred building in me, its part of me but separate, it feels alive, I have no control over it. The hatred and the anger feed off each other, getting bigger, stronger, threatening to take over every part of me, it's suffocating, I can't breathe._

"I killed him Abby, and I would do it again"

_I have to speak but I can't breathe, I can't think, I need to try_

"He was my friend!"

"He was using you; he was destroying both you and my family"

_Using me? Destroying people and relationships? NO, it's all back to front, THEY were the ones doing that, not Curtis._

"You're lying, all of you, you just didn't want me to have a friend you didn't pre-approve!"

_She's standing up, moving away, I have space, room to breathe. I'm scared, but I don't understand why, if they wanted to hurt me, if they wanted me gone Gibbs would have let me go, I need to understand._

"Read this, this is who your friend really was"

_She's thrown something at me but I ignore it, I have to something inside me is screaming that this is a trap, all of it, exactly as Curtis said._

_I need to hurt her, I need something to give the demons howling in my head, it's hard to hurt Ziva but not impossible, and the only weapon I have is words, it's the most hurtful thing I can think of, and I know it'll work, I don't know how I know but I don't care, I seize it and throw it out there_

"I hate you, I hate all of you!"

_The flicker of dismay is little more than a flinch but I know I've struck home, it's a hollow victory though and doesn't feel as good as I thought it should, it doesn't feel good at all._

_Ziva is speaking again, but I don't hear her; I can't take my eyes of the photo she's holding. The girl looks familiar…._

Abby's mind retrieved the memory of meeting Sara, its arrival was like a wrecking ball through her already fragile mind, suddenly everything clicked, everything was clear.

_Ziva was right, this is all my fault, I feel sick, I can't breathe, please someone make it stop_

The guilt demon roared in her head, consuming the hatred and the anger, Abby obeyed its unspoken demand for pain and suffering, she was so intent on ripping the skin from her arms, she didn't notice Ziva leave.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

_Pain, the only thing I can fell, the only thing I need. I know it's self inflicted but I can't stop it, I don't want to stop it. I need it to breathe, the more intense the pain the easier breathing becomes._

_Just when I think that I can't cause enough pain to be able to cope, he's here, Gibbs. The instant he touches me the impulse to inflict pain stops but the need for it doesn't diminish, I want to push him away, why doesn't he understand, I need the pain, I deserve it, but I can't pull away, I want him more than I want the pain, I need him, he's the only one that can help me understand, and above all else, I need to understand._

_The file Ziva threw at me is like a magnet, even though the contents make me sick, both physically and mentally I can't keep away. I can't believe the man described is the man I knew, the man I believed was changing my life for the better._

_I read it over and over, studying the photos, committing the details to memory. Somewhere in here is a reason I did what I did, became what I am today, I have to find it, I have to prove if only to myself that I'm not responsible for the carnage my life has become, I'm not responsible for the pain in Gibbs eyes. I wouldn't do that; I couldn't do that, not voluntarily, not without a reason._

_I know Gibbs is near almost all the time, I know he's keeping me stocked up with food and water, I know he's trying but I can't spare him any of my attention, the file demands everything I've got._

_Ziva is back, as soon as she walks through the door I'm gripped by terror, something in me tries to turn the terror into anger. I want to lash out; I want to make her stop before she even starts._

Abby's mind scrambled to erect a defence against the accusations she knew were coming, she was so focused on this that it took her a few minutes to realise Ziva was talking. Rather than the aggressive staccato of the previous day, Ziva's voice was calm and soft, her body language less threatening. The change in demeanour forced Abby to stop thinking and listen.

_McGee? Why is she talking about him, about what we had? Why is she making me remember what I've lost, what he's lost, what I've taken away from him?_

Abby desperately wanted to make Ziva stop talking, but her mind was a whirlwind of confusing and contradictory memories, she didn't know what was true, what was real, she tried to block out Ziva's words but she couldn't move and Ziva's words penetrated her weakened mental defences like bullets.

Ziva talked about each of the team in turn, McGee, Tony, Ducky and Gibbs. Deliberately leaving Gibbs till last because she knew it would hurt the most.

Every memory she evoked pierced Abby's mental paralysis, guilt and shame were all that were left.

_Here it comes, the blame, the responsibility, I can't take it even though it's mine to shoulder I'm too weak, too broken. I feel like I'm choking, I want it all to stop, I can feel oblivion on the edges of my consciousness, I don't want to remember any more, it's too painful, I want the oblivion to come faster, take everything, there is nothing left of me worth keeping._

"I accept responsibility for all of this mess"

Abby's mind froze in shock, then recognising Ziva's statement for the lifeline it was, seized hold of it and clung on for dear life.

"I killed Curtis; I took him away from you. If I had not done so, you would not be behaving towards them the way you currently are"

Abby's mind spun sickeningly, trying to accept this new information, but none of it made sense, the darkness of oblivion was closer, but the part of her that had taken hold of Ziva's words refused to let go and wielded those words like a beacon against the darkness, the darkness receded leaving Abby with a series of unconnected memories and a tangle of contradictory information.

Unable to cope with the task of untangling the knots in her mind and denied the dubious sanctuary of forgetting, Abby did the only thing she was capable of, she lifted her hands to her ears and repeatedly saying "no, no, no" denied everything.

_I understand now, Curtis, my friend is dead and somehow Ziva was involved, I doubt it was accidental but I'll never know for sure. I must have gone a bit crazy with grief because I don't really remember anything. This is probably a good thing, the things Ziva has said about the rest of the team is worrying though, makes me curious to know exactly what did happen over the last few weeks but not curious enough to go digging, not yet, it's too fresh, too raw._

_It's been a week since Ziva first told me this was all her fault. She's been back every day, telling me what a mess everyone is in, I don't know what she expects to achieve from this, if she's looking for forgiveness or absolution, she's looking in the wrong place, she killed Curtis with no thought of the consequences. _ _She wants __**something**__ though and today I'm going to get to the bottom of what._

As Ziva walked into the room, Abby pounced before she could say anything.

"Ok, I get it; you're a bitch who's wrecked everyone's lives, why are you telling me this day after day?"

"Because they think that you blame them, I cannot fix this Abby, only you can do that, talk to them, tell them that you know they did nothing wrong, tell them that you know it was all me"

_She's gone, just like that, she's gone. What she said makes sense; I do need to talk to them. I need to start getting back to normal._


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

**a/n I'm baaaaaaaaack **

_I need to make them understand that it's not their fault, that they don't need to worry about me any more, that I'm ready to move on with my life, put all this behind me and start over. I wish I could leave Gibbs till last, I think he'll be the hardest to convince, __I mean he's seen me at my lowest ebb, he's seen me at my very worst, I know him, he won't want to let go so maybe it's a good thing I have to deal with him first, if I can get him to let go, the others will be easy._

Abby stood in front of the mirror and really looked at her reflection, studying herself; practicing being herself or least the side of herself she wanted everyone to see. It took hours before she was comfortable enough to leave the room.

_Ok, this is it, it's now or never, stand straight, look him in the eye and just say it. _

"You need to stop beating yourself up, I don't blame you for what happened to Curtis"

_Why isn't he saying anything? Why is he just standing there? Does he know? About Ziva? Does he know that I know?_

"I mean Ziva admitted it all, and I get how you would think that I blamed you, but I don't"

_He'__s still not saying anything! Stop panicking Sciuto, this is Gibbs, he never says much, but what if he doesn't know? He must know, this is Gibbs he knows everything._

"Uh huh"

_Oh thank God_

Abby launched herself into Gibbs arms and felt a dizzying sense of relief when his arms tightened around her.

The familiarity of the hug caused fresh memories to erupt in Abby's head and she untangled herself from Gibbs arms and stepped back.

"Gibbs? What day is it?"

_How long have I been out of it? Do I still have a job?_

"Tuesday. Why?"

_Tuesday, that really doesn't tell me much, like which Tuesday in which month, I'm pretty sure it's still the same year, I would have noticed a whole year going by. Ok, don't let on you're worried, just act casual._

"I need to get back to my lab, who knows what's been done to my babies since I've been gone"

"Whoa, slow down Abs! No-one has touched anything; we've been using an outside lab"

_Damn, still doesn't really tell me much but if I had been fired they would have hired a replacement rather than use the outside lab._

"Even more reason to get back!"

_There is something he's not telling me, I can see it in his eyes._

"Monday, let me smooth things over with Vance first"

_The Director! Of course he's gonna be mighty pissed at having to pay for an outside lab, what has Gibbs told him? How much trouble am I in?_

"Yeah, I guess he's pretty pissed"

"Nothing I can't handle Abs"

_Gibbs is smiling, that's a good sign, the man really doesn't smile enough._

_Why won't that man listen! I don't need babysitters anymore but he won't budge and he's got that look about him that says arguing will be futile, I argue anyway just because it feels so normal._

_I'm actually really glad Gibbs insisted on the baby sitters, I get to spend some time alone with Tony and Tim. _

_I can do this, it's Tony, I can tell him anything. He's taking it better than expected, he's not saying anything, wow, he's becoming more like Gibbs every year. _

_I can feel him watching me, listening to everything I'm saying with more concentration than is normal, that's ok, I can deal with that, for a little while anyways. _

_I feel sick, Tim is due any minute, I don't think I can deal with him, but I have to, there is no other option. _

_I hate Ziva, for what she's done to My Timmy, so nervous that his stutter is worse than ever, I will make her pay for this, it's taken me hours to convince Tim I don't think he is a coward, I can't for the life of me think why he would think I thought that about him, but it's there in his head, I really need to talk to Gibbs about being nicer to him._

_How long does it take that man to drink a cup of coffee? Seriously, it's way past the time we should have left for work, I just want to go, honestly, if he doesn't finish it in the next 5 seconds, I'm going to take it off him._

_Jeez, why is he driving so slowly? he doesn't normally drive like this, keep a lid on it Sciuto, losing your cool now would not be a good start. _

_Finally! That was the longest drive of my life, but now, to my lab! I can't believe how much I've missed this building, if the grin on my face is as big as I think it is, I must look like a complete idiot, but I don't care, I'm home._


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

_I can't believe how fast this week has gone, it's been brilliant, I feel normal and focused, ok the team are still a little…..off, but that's to be expected after what Ziva did, how Gibbs can still work with her, how he can expect Tony and Tim to work with her is beyond me but I'm guessing he has no proof. No proof yet, I will find proof of what she did even if it takes me my entire life. I need to do something for Tim, to make him believe in himself again, but first I have to do one last thing for me, go home, back to my apartment._

After their usual Friday night dinner of takeout, Abby retreated upstairs to pack.

_I know he doesn't mind me being here, but he's a solitary creature and as much as I love him I need to be back in my own place. I could wait till tomorrow but there really isn't any reason to, it's better to do it now, right now, before Gibbs gets stuck into the bourbon and can't drive._

Running down the stairs to the basement Abby calls out "Gibbs!"

As he looked up at her, she failed to notice how exhausted he looked.

"You know I love you and I love staying here right?"

"I sense a 'but' coming"

"….but…I want to go back to my own apartment"

"Ok"

_Ok? __That's it? Just 'ok'? Come on Sciuto, did you really expect him to beg you not to go? Hold on, where did THAT come from?_

"Great! I've already packed"

"You want to go now?"

_What? Of course I want to go now! It's not like you've said you want me to stay. Oh God, do I really want to go or did I just want to see what his reaction would be? Too late now, it's done._

As she nodded enthusiastically, she missed the longing glance Gibbs gave the bottle of bourbon.

Abby's mind raced through the journey, already planning what she was going to do with her first weekend being alone in months. Her mind flipped between terror and excitement. Excitement won and she leapt out the car running round to the trunk before Gibbs had seatbelt off.

"Leave the bags for now; let's just go check the place first"

_Check the place? What would we be checking for? What could be wrong with it? Never mind, just go with the flow, you're almost home free._

_Typical, the elevator is out again, note to self – see the super tomorrow._

_I can see my front door, every step brings more of it into view, I don't understand, why am I suddenly so scared, my heart beat feels like a hammer and my palms are clammy. What am I scared of? What the hell happened here?_

Abby reached the door, ran her fingertips down the wood and sank to her knees.

_I can't go any further, I can't go in, there is something I should know, something I should remember, I know it's there, it's in my head, why can't I remember, I hate this, I hate the fuzziness._

_I'm on the floor; Gibbs is beside me, how long have we been here like this? What is wrong with me, why can't I remember? I need to try, just stand up and open the door, but I can't, I just can't. Please, I hate this._

"I can't do it…."

_My eyes are __closed; I can't bear to see the look of disappointment in his eyes, what if he makes me go in? What if he leaves me here? I can feel him moving, this is it, he's getting up to go, to leave me._

"Shh, it's ok, you don't have to"

_I can feel myself shaking, Gibbs must feel it too I mean I'm pressed up against his chest, but it's relief more than anything. I need to find out what happened here, find out why I'm so scared of my own apartment, but not now, not today._

_This time round I'm glad the journey is taking so long, I need to pull myself together, accept that for the time being, Gibbs home is my home. Ok, best plan is just to pretend it never happened, Gibbs will understand, he has to, I have no explanations._


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

_We used to be a team, THE team, I don't know what we are anymore, but we are not a team, I see everyone every day, well everyone except Ziva, they are a mess, everyone of them, even Gibbs, especially Gibbs. He tries to hide it but he forgets that I see him when the others don't, I've seen him, night after night sitting, hiding, in the basement not doing anything just sitting with his bottle of bourbon._

_I want to do something, to say something, anything that will make things better, make us whole again, but what? I should go see Ducky, he'll have some advice, he always does. _

Abby hesitated before walking into Autopsy, she could hear voices and although she would normally just bounce in and take over the conversation, something held her back and she hovered, listening.

"If we tell her the truth now, it could destroy her"

"If we don't it could destroy us all"

_The truth? I know the truth, Ziva told me, and they both know that I know this. _

The two men continued talking, Abby stayed where she was and listened as hard as she could, instinctively she knew this was important.

Suddenly the conversation made sense, and that made a lot of other things make sense, Abby leant against the wall for support as blood roared in her ears and her vision darkened.

_They are lying to me, every one of them, why? What are they lying about? Is everything Ziva said to me a lie? Is Curtis still alive? Why would she do that? Why would Gibbs let her? Curtis! Oh God!_

_I can't be here, I can't face anyone, I can't bear the thought of having to deal with anyone or anything right now, I need to know the truth, I need to know what is true and what isn't, nothing feels real, I feel like I'm crazy, my life is one big fiction, I need to know if any of it is real, how long ago did the lies start, there is no-one I can trust, I have to do this on my own. _

_Think Sciuto, there was a file, with photographs, you read this, you held it in your hands, come on, this is important, where did you have the file? Gibbs place, has to have been Gibbs place, I haven't been anywhere else for months. Right, plan, go back, find the file, get to the bottom of who is screwing with my mind. Once you know who, you can work out why but first things first, the file._


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

In a daze and operating on auto pilot Abby left the building and hailed a cab, the only thing on her mind was finding the file.

As she walked into Gibbs house she replayed when and where she had last seen the file.

_I was upstairs when Ziva threw it at me, but I carried it everywhere with me for days. Think! Ok, start upstairs, be systematic about this. _

After checking all the obvious places and finding nothing, Abby became more frantic, she ran back to the front room and started pulling books and magazines off the shelves, rifling through the pages, turning everything upside down, discarding them in a heap on the floor when they didn't reveal any file.

_It has to be here, it has to be, I didn't imagine that file, it's real and it has to be here._

As she pulled cushions off the sofa, ripping the covers off and checking inside, she was hit by one flashback after another, Curtis and Ziva, both telling her things, contradictory things.

'_They don't care about you, none of them do, they just use you to get what they want' 'They love you, they would do anything to protect you and this is how you replay them?' '__What have they ever done for you?' 'Think about all the things they have done for you' _

Abby dropped the cushion she had in her hands, covered her ears and screamed, she could hear someone sobbing and dimly realised it was her, trying to block out the voices, she moved into the kitchen and in a frenzy emptied every cupboard and drawer into a heap on the floor, blinded by the tears flowing down her face, she added the contents of the fridge and freezer to the every growing pile of destruction.

Looking around, she saw there was no where else to look and she walked slowly upstairs, breathing heavily, shaking from fear and exhaustion.

As she rampaged through one room after another the flashbacks didn't let up, Curtis's words, competed with contradictory images from the last few weeks.

'_Tony is nothing but a playboy, he cares about nothing but himself' Tony sitting with her hour after hour, the dark circles under his eyes, his attempts to make her smile._

'_McGee, seriously, what has he ever done for you? He blames his mistakes on you all the time, how can you not see this?' Tim, covering for her when a prank went wrong and Gibbs computer got messed up, bringing her presents, making an effort to come down to the lab when they were quiet, Tim, terrified to speak to her in the last few weeks, his stutter back worse than ever. _

Finding nothing upstairs she slowly moved towards the last place in the house, the basement.

She descended the steps slowly, the unique smell of the place evoking memories of other times she had been there, the smell that meant she was safe.

Knowing, somehow, the file wasn't going to be in the basement, she continued down anyway, hearing two voices in her head.

'_Gibbs doesn't love you, he never will, he is incapable of loving anything but his boat and he bourbon' 'Gibbs loves you' 'Gibbs doesn't love you' Gibbs loves you'_

Half heartedly Abby looked around the basement, moving a few things here and there but the frenzy had left her, she couldn't bring herself to desecrate Gibbs sanctuary. Running her fingertips over his latest project, she fought her way through the voices into an oasis of clarity in her mind and she knew where the file was.

Leaving the house in a much calmer state than she had entered, Abby got in her car and started to drive.

_Curtis lied to me about my friends, but why? And was it all lies? Everyone else is lying to me too, but I can't figure out what they are lying about. Ziva, is she lying? She must be, but why would she do that. Fornell, what part does he play in this, and that girl. I will find the truth in this wreckage, and Ziva is the obvious place to start, and she has the file, she has to._

Abby walked up to the familiar door of Ziva's apartment, it opened before she got close enough to knock. Abby walked in, closing and locking the door behind her.

From the other side of the room Ziva stared at her, Abby stared back, the silence was heavy and neither one of them wanted to be the first to break it.

_Ok, you're here, she's here, just ask her for the file, ask her why she lied, ask her what the others are lying __about. Wait, what makes you think she'll tell you the truth now? Walk Sciuto, you always think better when you walk, walk and think and focus. _

_The phone, it's ringing, it's not mine, it's on the table, right in front of me, Ziva is making no move to answer it. It's stopped, good, but I've lost my train of thought. The damn thing is ringing again; give it up, she's not going to answer! I need to turn it off. It's Gibbs, on the phone, I can't answer it, I can't deal with him just now, just turn it off. Ok, the phone's off but seriously, do you just expect him to give up? You know he's going to be banging on that door in a few minutes. Focus, you are running out of time, get the answers before he gets here, how do you get answers when you don't know what questions to ask?_

A gentle knock on the door pulls Abby from her thoughts. _He can't be here already, I'm not ready._

"Ziva?"

Both women moved toward the door, Ziva, got there first but held her hands behind her back, trying to show Abby that she wasn't going to open the door, trying to make her feel in control.

The knocking came again, more insistent, and Gibbs voice, when he called out Ziva's name held an edge of panic.

_I don't want him here, I need to deal with this my way but I don't want to tell him to go, I can't push him away, I can't breathe._

"Gibbs, you should not be here, everything is fine, _we_ are fine"

_It's as if she's read my mind, he won't go, I know he won't go but at least he won't break the door down now, she's bought me some time, I need to use it though, I need to do this and do it now._


	22. Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

_Keep walking, keep focused, forget Gibbs for now, focus on Ziva, she is the key. _

_I can feel her watching me, she has been since I came in, watching me but saying nothing, is that a good thing? _

_Come on, just do it, just ask._

"I want to see the file, Gibbs doesn't have it and I know you wouldn't destroy it so that means you have it" Abby was surprised how calm and in control she sounded.

She looked at Ziva expectantly. _Why is she not saying anything, not moving? Surely she should have some reaction. I did not imagine that file, I didn't. It's real and she knows where it is._

"Ziva! The file"

"It is not here"

_Thank God, the file is real, I am not completely crazy. Not here? Of course it is, where else would it be? She's lying to me again, trying to twist things, not this time, this time I want the truth._

"LIAR"

"I mean it is not in this room"

_Should I follow her? __No, there is no where for her to go, there is no where for me to go either, one way or another, this ends now. She has the file, why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this._

Abby flipped through the file, as she did the final barriers in her mind crumbled, she saw clearly the lie that her life had become, who was responsible for it and the part she had played herself.

"You lied to me; you all did, over and over and over. And you called yourself my friend"

"I still do"

"Well if this is what you do to a friend, I hope I never have you as an enemy"

_This is not quite what I expected, she isn't denying it or making excuses, have I got this all wrong? No, Curtis and Ziva, they lies outright, the others they lied by omission, in a way Curtis was right, they have twisted things to their own benefit. Why won't she look at me? Ziva? Crying? I need Gibbs. _

"Let them in""

"Who?"

_Who? She knows damn well who I mean. _

"The boys outside in the hallway, you know as well as I do that they were never going to leave, all you did was stop Gibbs kicking the door down"

_The 5 people I trusted most in the world, one is dead, at least I think he's dead, at the hands of at least one of the other 4, God this is like a game of Cluedo, or an episode of Castle.__ Either way, all 5 betrayed me, manipulated me for their own ends, what do I do now though? _

_Looking at them standing in front of me, I don't know what to think, what to feel about them, about the whole situation, Gibbs want to hug me, but I can't let him, I need to be objective here, I can't let emotional ties get in the way. I need to get them to talk, give me a reason for why they did this, give me a reason not to hate them._

"One of you say something"

"I was only trying to help"

_What bullshit! Does she really expect me to believe her? __She really must think I'm stupid._

"HELP! This creep lied to me and manipulated me into believing what he wanted me to and you though it would _help_ by doing exactly the same thing?"

_Damn it, I meant to stay calm, but this bullshit is making me crazy. Breathe. _

"Yeah, _we_ thought it would help, not just Ziva, all of us. We saw, too late, what this guy was doing to you, but you wouldn't listen to us, to any of us, you called us liars remember?"

_I do remember, I did push them away, I believed whole heartedly what Curtis told me about them. Looking at them now, how could I ever have doubted them, but why did they have to copy Curtis's methods, why didn't they just keep trying to make me see the truth?_

"This isn't your fault, I get that, I really do, but it's not our fault either. Curtis got you to believe a lie to destroy you; we did it to repair what he had damaged. He did it out of hate; we did it out of love. You may never accept the sacrifices that every member of this team made to give you that lie. The lie that kept you from tearing your own skin off, the lie that let you sleep at night, the lie that gave you your life back but know this, sacrifices were made and continue to be made"

_Gave me my life back, this isn't a life, it's a real time story book, open to who ever feels like writing a chapter or two. Sacrifices? Sanctimonious bullshit. _

"You want to hate us for what we've done? Fine. Just remember this: we fight for the people we love, and if the fight gets dirty, so be it. You want to hate us for that? Fine. At least you're here and sane enough to make that your own decision"

_Whoa, I've never seen him so __impassioned; he really believes what he's saying and by the looks of it so do the others, my god they actually believe what they did was right. What did he mean here and sane? Am I missing something, is there still something I don't remember, something __**I**__ did?_

A sudden flashback of scratching her arms till the blood flowed and the accompanying pain both physical and mental almost drove Abby to her knees.


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

"Does he…Do you…is that how you all feel?"

_I can't cope with this, I can't think, I can't breathe, I need to get out of here. What exactly have they done? What sacrifices have they made? I can't think about this now, my head is going to __explode; I need to get out of here. _

_Gibbs, please let him still want to be my protector, I need him now, I want him now, to shield me from this, to shield me from myself._

_I have eye contact, I can see how hard it is for him, please don't let me down now, please, I promise I'll never hurt you again._

"I'd like to go home now please"

_Please Gibbs, please, just give me one more chance, please, say yes, please take me away from here._

_I can't look, I can't face his rejection, please don't give up on me, please._

_Oh thank God, his touch is the best thing in the universe right now. _

_The car, I can sleep in the car, I just want to sleep, not think or remember, just sleep. _

_Home, we are home, just get out the car, walk up the path, then up the stairs and then sleep, why is everything such an effort? _

_Never has a Gibbs hug felt so good, I want to hug him back, but I can't make my arms work, I need to sleep._

_He has let go, I think I upset him by not hugging back, too late now, just go, just go upstairs and sleep. _

_I haven't spoken to Gibbs for 2 days, he must hate me, how do I explain that I'm not pushing him away, not really, I just needed time to figure out what's real and what's not. I think I know now, I think I've got as much figured out as I need to, I know I've hurt them, and it's selfish, I know it is, but I can't face knowing just how much, not yet, right now I know as much as I want to. _

_They think I hate them, I don't. I don't know how I'll get them to believe that, I don't even know if they want me to try. _

_Ok, talk to Gibbs, do it now, it's the middle of the night, but it's Gibbs, he doesn't sleep like normal people. _

_His bedroom door is open, the room is in darkness, but he's not sleeping, not unless he's learned to sleep with his eyes open, but it's Gibbs, it wouldn't surprise me. Jeez Sciuto, quite babbling to yourself and go in. _

"Abby?"

_Just push the door open, you don't have to go all the way in, you can talk just as well from here._

"Come on in"

_Crying, __Sciuto? Really? Going for the sympathy vote are we?_

_I really really want a hug, but what if he doesn't want me too? Should I ask first? What if he says no? _

_And relax, problem solved, he's hugging me, now can you quit crying and talk to the man?_

_I can't hug and talk at the same time, I need to move to where I can see his face, try and do it gracefully, don't make him think you're running away again. _

"Can we talk?"

"Of course"

"I remember everything"

_Well, as much of everything as I want to, maybe should have said I remember enough, does it really make a difference? 2 days you've been going through this Sciuto and you're still stalling with semantics, just move on before you bottle it completely. _

"Why?"

_Why? Seriously did I just ask why? Why what? Gibbs is good but he's not a flaming mind reader!_

"That's a pretty big question Abs"

_He called me Abs, surely that means he doesn't hate me, surely that means he still wants me around. Please let be so. _

"You never gave up, any of you, despite everything I did and said, you kept trying"

"We love you"

_Ok, that was the quickest he has ever responded to a question, EVER. He did say we and he did use present tense, but I need to be sure he means now, still, after everything. Before you ask, are you sure you are prepared to walk away if he says no, __if he says he thinks you'd be better off somewhere else, somewhere far away from him and his team?_

"Even now?"

_I can't look, maybe I should just leave now, pack and be gone, not wait for an answer. I shouldn't make him say it. _

_He's forcing me to look at him, what do I do, what do I do? I can't run, I asked for this. _

"Yes"

_Yes? He said yes! And I think he means it. _

_I need to talk to the rest of the __team; they might not be as forgiving as Gibbs, especially Ziva. I can't wait for it to just happen, I have to reach out first, I'm prepared for rejection, for it to take time for them to really be my friends again. A simple message, that's all it need to be, they'll see it when they get up in a few hours. _

'I have the best friends in the world. I love them'

_At some point I'll need to break rule 6, but I'll do that face to face, one on one. _

_I'm glad Ducky forced us to come out tonight. It's hard to believe we are here, together as a team, there are still some things I don't know, things that are causing a bit of tension but we are all here and all trying, I look around and still can't believe what these guys did for me, some families couldn't survive that. We're more than a team, more than a family, I don't know what word would describe what we have but it's something from now on, I'll protect with my life. _

THE END

a/n… I did not think I was ever going to get to the end of this. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with it, given reviews and set alerts. I'm off to write some one shot fluffy things now…..


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